Here I am starting the Made to Crave bible study. I haven't always been overweight but I have struggled with weight issues since my early teen years. Over the past 10 years my weight has gone up and down. I've had bouts where I've successfully lost weight and kept it off. But never have I got to my goal weight. I always give up before getting there. And slowly but surely the weight creeps back on. In 2013 I started the year off really strong, going good until April and then it all fell apart again.
You need to know this because it sets the stage for where I was coming into this study - DISCOURAGED! UNMOTIVATED! DRAGGED INTO IT KICKING & SCREAMING. Yup, I'm afraid to admit, that's me. I had signed up for the study, and if you read my post 'God, Me & P31', you'll understand a bit better why I knew I had to do this study. But I really didn't want to. Empowered I was NOT.
I believe in being honest with God. He knows anyway so what's the point of trying to pretend? I did cry out to him, telling him that I don't have hope, I don't feel empowered, I don't see how doing this study is going to change anything. I've already read the book, so what is there to change anyway. But I know that this is his direction for me, so I will take it step by step. I will sign on each day. I will pray and ask him to show me the steps for that day. I will - with his help - make an effort to do what he is asking me to do. I will be an active participant in my small Facebook group. I will need his help and support more than ever.
So day 1 comes. I get up and sign onto the blog. The first thing God shows me is that really, I haven't read the book. I've read the first few chapters and then put it down. Okay, that's true. He asks me to keep an open mind, take it one day at a time. Okay, I can do that.
Sunday I make my breakfast & lunches for the week. I know that if I do this I'll stick to my plan, if not I'll eat junk.
So I feel him asking me to do 3 things - get back to exercising on the treadmill, stick to my breakfast/lunch plan and start logging my food on My Fitness Pal. Basically brushing myself off and picking up where I started last year, Okay, I did that.
Tuesday comes, I wake up with a killer migraine. I don't exercise, but I do follow the bible study and log my food. Well, I sort of log my food as both days I start off great and then it dwindles as I never really log my dinner meal.
So now it's Wednesday. Discouragement has set in. Really, I can't even keep on track for 3 days, how pathetic is that! I don't want to get up, I don't want to do the study, I don't want to exercise. I DO want to give up. But I know that's not what God wants. No matter how I feel about myself, I can't deliberately bring myself to completely disobey something I KNOW he is telling me to do. So I get up. I still don't want to exercise, but I tell myself - one step at a time - bible study. Read chapter 2. Yes, I know I've already read it several times over the years, but I will read it again and ask God to give me a fresh view of it. Help me to keep an open mind. So I read it. Next I tell myself to bite the bullet and just go down to the treadmill. How hard can it be? So reluctantly, that's what I do. What difference will it really make? Who knows, but God has asked me to do it.
About 3 steps in, God hits me between the eyes with a huge revelation that craving food is not my issue. My issue is low self esteem. He took me by the hand and showed me how the enemy has been filling my head with lies, beating me down with my perceived failures, that he so generously points out. So that's my picture for Wednesday - me on the treadmill bawling and praising God simultaneously, walking despite the fact I just want to crumble at his feet and weep.
Now it's a day later, I'm still not completely on track but I know that that's okay. God is accepting me right here - where I am today. I am EMPOWERED by his love and his strength. I have kicked the enemy to the curb. I've asked God to help me be diligent in guarding my thoughts. I will not allow his lies to define who I am. I am a child of the KING and I am empowered. Beyond that, I'm still processing his 'Big Reveal' and trying to comprehend it fully.